"Sparkling Little Girl"

Almost Home

2005-11-23T03:25:00.000-08:00

I saw him tonight. More importantly, Bobby saw me first. Sleep just wouldn't come so I ventured out into the cold. I know a woman shouldn't walk alone in the middle of the night in this fine city but that hasyet to stop me. I always find it a freeing experience. Another rule broken. I feel like a small girl beneath such a big dark sky at night. I's almost as if the darkness provides me with a blanket of protection. I feel safe and surrounded by something comforting. If I walk long enough I start to really feel protected by mother nature.

I was just getting to that place tonite when I felt eyes on me. I looked up and about 20 feet away was Bobby. I know it was him. The look on his face made me weak. He had been watching me for who knows how long but his face was filled with love. I wanted to run to him & instead I ran in the opposite direction. Not because of the fear of prison. Not because of all the crimes I've been accused of. But because he caught me off gaurd and really saw me. He knows what I've endured, he knows what evil deeds I have committed.

He knows me for me. The real Nicole.

He is able to feel love for me in spite of my past. An unconditional, uncontrollable love.

I have never had that ever. Not once. It scared the hell out of me and so I ran. I bolted knowing, hoping he would catch me, grab me. Touch me somehow just to make it all real.

I don't think he realized I ran until I was gone. He was lost in his own thoughts, thoughts of me.

Thoughts of he and I.

The One So Dear To My Heart

2005-11-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

He is struggling with impossible decisions. I'm not the sort of person to wallow in emotions but I feel bad for him, truly I do. It may come as a shock to know that even I hate what has been done to his poor mother. Our "verbal ballet" as it has been called may include shots about her but even I would draw the line with bringing any harm to her. Shocking isn't it? true nonetheless.

I've been doing some reading of my own and if I were in his shoes i don't know what I would do either. No good, clear choice in the lot.

Pawns, Patsy's, Etc.

2005-11-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

Oh Bobby. Why is it that you say things that make me think and question myself so much? I most definetly do not need a Patsy- or do I? I can say I am a strong woman, perfectly capable of standing on my own but I do always have someone beside me. until now anyway. You said that I don't do very well alone. In truth I think you're right. I feel much better when I have someone's strings to pull. Nothing quite like taking a young man & whipping him into shape. Even taking a young girl under my wing so to speak- it is invigorating to see people listen to me & do as I say.

I love the feeling of power, of forging my own path and calling the shots. The irony is that what I really want is quite the opposite. More than anything, I want to just let go of everything and know that I'll be taken care of. I want to trust a man enough to allow him to call the shots at least some of the time. Having someone under your thumb can be exhilerating but it also gets tiresome.

The only man that I've ever felt equal to is Bobby. If ever a man existed that I could let go with it would be him. I could get lost in those deep, sensitive eyes. I also know that in spite of our tit for tat moments, he would protect me- if only we played on the same side of the fence.

I guess in the end I resort to using people because it's better than coming home at days end to an empty house. It's not that I'm incapable of loving people I just do it in the most gaurded of ways. Gavin, Ella, Evan. I knew those relationships were transient. I know that nothing really lasts for me so I settle for what I can get wherever I may find it.

With Bobby, it would be different. Just like with Gwen. She was different. I'm not sure why but she was. I just knew that she was a little girl that I would have loved & cared for very dearly. So dearly that I couldn't risk losing sight of that love even for a second. That's why I brought her to her aunt's.

Some people, they do change you. They leave a little imprint that stays with you.

Fly Me To The Moon Bobby

2005-11-09T08:46:00.000-08:00

My Dear Bobby,

Is that what you really want most- an hour alone with me? Would an hour be quite enough? I would most definetly need more than that but I'd gladly settle for those 60 precious, uninterrupted minutes. You know all that you have to do is ask. I don't think that I'd be able to resist you or the temptation of what could come of that time together. I know you could haul me off to prison but it might be worth the risk of that. After all, who am I alone when I already know who my heart belongs to?

But prison really is such a dreadful place, dreary color schemes and all.

You said awhile back that you had wished we met years ago before well, my life's path was set in stone. I've thought about that idea often. Would meeting such a brilliant, charming, moral man have rubbed off? I like to think that it would have. In fact, I need to believe so.

I'm ready Bobby, whenever you decide it's time.

Taken From Bobby

2005-11-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

Although the name Nicole creates the urge to understand others, we emphasize that it limits your vision, tuning you to technical details. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and elimination system.

The name of Nicole has created a congenial nature with the desire to associate in friendship and understanding both socially and in the business world. Peaceful and settled conditions appeal to you and you are naturally desirous of having the security of a home, where your life could follow a definite pattern, and where you would not have to make major decisions. You find it difficult to take a definite stand, partly because you lack confidence, and also because you dislike any issues which create dissension between people. Procrastination is a weakness of your nature, causing an inability always to complete your plans or to concentrate for long.

Your name of Elizabeth contributes sensitive, creative, and idealistic qualities to your nature that could be expressed in a variety of literary or artistic fields. You desire harmony and refinement in your environment and in all your personal associations. Although mentally quick and intuitive in recognizing the thoughts and feelings of others, you experience a lack of fluency in verbal expression in responding.

Although the name Leslie creates the urge to be creative, independent, and self-sufficient, we point out that it causes a materialistic, somewhat self-opinionated approach that frustrates higher humanitarian qualities. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the reproductive organs, and tension or accidents to the head.

The name Leslie creates a very independent, practical, analytical nature with skillful business abilities. You desire freedom from restrictions and authority in order that you can pursue your own ambitions. This name gives you leadership qualities and you are seldom happy in positions where you must direction from others. Material and financial success are the focus of your interests, but sacrificing much for material ambition will result in a lack of harmony and balance in your personal life, particularly a lack of appreciation for social courtesies and things of a more inspirational nature.

I think I am more of an Elizabeth, wouldn't you say?

Our Song, I'm Sure You'll All Agree!

2005-11-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

Funny how you can here a song and it just clicks. It's a perfect fit. This one just played and if Bobby and I had a song, my wouldn't this be it!

What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks

Electricity, eye to eye
Hey don't I know you
I can't speak
Stripped my senses
On the spot
I've never been defenseless
I can't even make sense of this
You speak and I don't hear a word

[Chorus:]
What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

The room is spinning out of control
Act like you didn't notice
Brushed my hand

Forbidden fruit
Ring on my finger
You're such a moral, moral man
You throw it away, no question
Will I pretend I'm innocent

[Chorus]

I struggle with myself again
Quickly the walls are crumbling
Don't know if I can turn away

A girl can dream.

Oh My Love

2005-11-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

There is such comfort in knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way. Not that I wish any more pain upon you. It's just good to know that someone cares as much for me as I do them.

Very Well Then

2005-11-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

It seems my last post went misunderstood. I never said or meant to imply that I don't love Bobby. I'm just glad that he knows without me, the real me having to tell him. As much as i wanted him to know, i didn't want to be the first of either of us to say it. Now I feel as though a successful game of through the grapevine has been played.

I know that he and I can never be a "we". Not in the normal sense anyway. But, oh how I wish.

I know that he doesn't sleep well. Nor do I. I find myself trying to drift off thinking of him. Those eyes with what I was sure were tears in them. Those beautiful, smooth hands. My hand rested in his exactly once. The energy in that brief moment was just amazing. It was like getting struck by lightening. I'm sure he felt it too.

My hand in his. Even though it was in an interrogation room and he was testing me for bloody anthrax, it was still a moment of complete safety for me. At least the closest I've ever come to being safe anyway. No matter what he thinks that I've done, I knew just by the gentle grip on my hand that he would never let physical harm come to me. He would protect me regardless of how evil I am.

That man is just incredible. The only man that I've ever needed but couldn't quite catch. If it is this intense between us and we rarely ever speak, how unfathomable it would be if we were actually to do the dance of love.

This Has All Been Rather Interesting

2005-10-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

Well. I took 2 steps back and just did what I do best, observed. First I must comment on how dreadfully foolish Bobby is to think that the imposter would be the real me. Of course I'm watching everything from afar, have from the beginning, but this. Would I really make my prescence known that quickly? Profess my love for the man and admit crimes within a few paragraphs?

Not likely.

Not that I'm unhappy to see someone else do these things because now I get the joy of his reaction without needing to say anything myself at all. I won't even argue or deny the points raised, but it didn't come from me. There is an extra satisfaction and joy in that.

Bobby once told me that he isn't like all of my other conquests. So true that is. Everyone else has been a breeze to wrap around my finger. Bobby, I don't even know where to start. He doesn't just see me, he sees through me.

2005-10-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

May the real woman win.

Let's Pretend, Shall We

2005-10-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

I both love and loathe men. I find the majority to be seriously lacking in intelligence and a waste of my valuable time. But I do love to be wrapped in the arms of a strong man so I make that my mission quite often. The problem is that I go through the rigors of charming the boy, get back to his place and right in the heat of passion this man disintegrates before my eyes.

It is no longer a meaningless, forgettable fling. Instead my mind plays tricks on me and it's Bobby's hands on my body. Bobby's eyes staring back at my own.

Every lover ends up being him. He saunters into my thoughts while awake, visits me in my sleep and touches me through the hands of another.

This man has such a grip on me- on my very soul.

He Thinks This Is Helpful

2005-10-22T04:05:00.000-07:00

A man that I know has been purging himself of his innermost demons as of late. I just so happened to stumble upon his writings because quite frankly, I'm always looking for him. His past. His present. All of the details. My mind always dances back to him no matter where I am or who is beside me.

I've touched his hand once, just one time. That physical connection was surreal and yet so simple. This man has figured me out in ways that make me want to despise him. I loathe his ability to break me and yet I adore him for having the ability to do so.