Location: Manhattan, New York, United States

I've fallen for a man that I cannot have. "What would happen if we kissed Would your tongue slip past my lips Would you run away, would you stay Or would I melt into you Mouth to mouth, lust to lust Spontaneously combust The room is spinning out of control Act like you didn't notice Brushed my hand"

Hate Mail!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Pawns, Patsy's, Etc.

Oh Bobby. Why is it that you say things that make me think and question myself so much? I most definetly do not need a Patsy- or do I? I can say I am a strong woman, perfectly capable of standing on my own but I do always have someone beside me. until now anyway. You said that I don't do very well alone. In truth I think you're right. I feel much better when I have someone's strings to pull. Nothing quite like taking a young man & whipping him into shape. Even taking a young girl under my wing so to speak- it is invigorating to see people listen to me & do as I say.

I love the feeling of power, of forging my own path and calling the shots. The irony is that what I really want is quite the opposite. More than anything, I want to just let go of everything and know that I'll be taken care of. I want to trust a man enough to allow him to call the shots at least some of the time. Having someone under your thumb can be exhilerating but it also gets tiresome.

The only man that I've ever felt equal to is Bobby. If ever a man existed that I could let go with it would be him. I could get lost in those deep, sensitive eyes. I also know that in spite of our tit for tat moments, he would protect me- if only we played on the same side of the fence.

I guess in the end I resort to using people because it's better than coming home at days end to an empty house. It's not that I'm incapable of loving people I just do it in the most gaurded of ways. Gavin, Ella, Evan. I knew those relationships were transient. I know that nothing really lasts for me so I settle for what I can get wherever I may find it.

With Bobby, it would be different. Just like with Gwen. She was different. I'm not sure why but she was. I just knew that she was a little girl that I would have loved & cared for very dearly. So dearly that I couldn't risk losing sight of that love even for a second. That's why I brought her to her aunt's.

Some people, they do change you. They leave a little imprint that stays with you.


Blogger Shadow of a Joke said...

Of course people change you, the more you grow the more you meet, but if you're not meeting the right ones, the right changes wont take place, just as shuting the door on those that are trying to help you, wont help you at all. Everyone we meet, we leave an impact on, even if we're not aware of it, and everyone we meet effects us even to the point of mimicry. You may not realise it, but every little bad habit is picked up from someone else.
You are a perfect example, you've picked up abusive traits.

4:10 PM  
Blogger VDOFan said...

Amen to what Shadow said.

3:07 AM  
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